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    Our special correspondent in Paris reports.

    French officials are alarmed by the catastrophic news coming from Iraq: Unitedstatish “soldiers” are escaping from Iraq under the guise of Kurdish citizens, wearing the famous Iraqi and Arab al-dashdasha (loose headdress) which has become much sought-after recently, Iraqis told FoxNews. His Excellency Jean-David Levitte, France’s ambassador to the youess, was lately ordered to return to France immediately by the President of the French Republic, Jacques Chirac. Mr Levitte unconvincingly denied leaking that President Chirac was “infuriated” that the French ”had to bail the youess out for a third time in less than 250 years” —referring to the independence granted by the French Army to the British insurgents and to the Louisiana purchase wanted by Paris to help nascent youessan agriculture and stop starvation. According to press leaks, Mr Chirac nonetheless admitted that he wouldn’t ”wait until all those cheeseburger-eatin’ desertin’ she-boons are hiding somewhere in Turkey” to lend a helping hand to the desperate unitedstatish officials. An aid to Mrs Michèle Alliot-Marie, Minister of Defence, aired that President Chirac was prepared to send a 200.000-strong expeditionary force to replace deserting youessans. The aid told Mrs Alliot-Marie did nothing to hide her ”annoyance” at youessan ”staggering incompetence ” and ”utter inaptitude ”. She allegedly even mentioned that ”the French are successful in Congo-Zaïre the size of which is four times bigger than that of France while the youessey is simply incapable of taking charge of Iraq which is 22 times smaller. This is starting to get ridiculous !”.

    Authorised sources from Vichyngton D.C. disclosed that Obersturmführer John Ashcroft recently arranged a secret trip to the French capital for Donald Rumsfeld. French Authorities have issued a forged Pakistani passport under the fake name of “Donallahda Ben Rimsfild” to camouflage Rumsfeld’s top-secret flight to Paris. Besides those humiliating measures, Mrs Ben Rimsfild had to put a burka on before she was allowed on board in an Air France’s Airbus for Paris. ”The burka was needed to guarantee anonymity to Mr Rumsfeld”, said Jean-Cyril Spinetta, Air France’s CEO, “It was intended as neither a persecutory manœuvre nor a vicious intrigue. It was a mere self-explaining precautionary step”. At her arrival to Charles-de-Gaulle airport, Mrs Ben Rimsfild was swiftly pushed in a black-glassed, bullet-proof luxury Renault that rushed to the Quai d’Orsay —the office of Mr Dominique de Villepin, Minister of Foreign Affairs. After a three-hour fifty-minute wait in the sumptuously furnished anteroom to de Villepin’s austere cabinet, Mrs Ben Rimsfild was eventually asked in. Profoundly embarrassed by Mrs Ben Rimsfild’s utter impropriety, Mr de Villepin urged the youessan to unveil. Which (s)he did —suddenly bursting into tears and yelling hysterically: ”You MUST help us out ! You MUST bail us out ! I can’t take it anymore…”. Disconcerted by such an obvious lack of sang-froid, de Villepin spouted comforting words to Mrs Ben Rimsfild that he would see to it that President Chirac makes a telephone call to Bush, and then he saw the whining nuisance off at his cabinet’s mahogany doors.

    Unfortunately French concerns about unitedstatish impotence are not limited to diplomatic and military issues. Said Francis Mer, France’s Minister of Economy and Finance: ”The French are happy to help the youessey overcome those very sad times” —a polite allusion to the disastrous $ deficit caused by unitedstatish households, companies and federal government. Mr Mer explained that the “fine” the Californian Attorney General “demanded” from the Crédit Lyonnais —a top-ranking French-owned bank— and from French Authorities ”was actually a secret bilateral agreement”. To the great despair of demoralised youess financial “markets”, the Crédit Lyonnais acquired Executive Life (an ailing unitedstatish insurance company) a few years ago. Upon a formal request by Mrs Roselyne Bachelot, Minister of Environment and Ecology, Mr Mer agreed to inject fresh money ($ 475.000.000) into the youess “economy” ”to help California hire more fire-fighters so that new blazes could be extinguished more rapidly”. Mr Mer also insisted that the extra subsidy ”should be allocated to the 60.000.000 youessans who still don’t enjoy Social Security, a fundamental right of unitedstatish citizens”. Asked whether the $-475.000.000 subsidy was truly considered a “fine” by the French government, Mr Mer simply left without answering —a clumsy attempt to appear diplomatic. Mrs Bachelot —an inveterate leaker— later floated that the subsidy was in reality categorised as “foreign emergency aid” according to the French public budget system, although ”we are eager to show utmost consideration towards our unlucky, pitiful unitedstatish friends”.

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