Personae dramatis



BOB, a meathead sports announcer out of central casting

GOLDIE, a person of ethnicity with a background in sports bookmaking

Setting: The television coverage of a second-rank mid-size purse wrestling match, with a title at stake, sometime in the nineteen-seventies.

—

BOB: Goldie, who’s your pick here tonite at the big Veep Smackdown? We’ve seen that “Big Dick” can wield some pretty menacing vocabulary over the past four years. But he’s thought to have developed a short fuse – and don’t forget that ticker!

GOLDIE: Well, Bob, I heard that the Dick line of thought has been, “If I’m sitting, I might look less frightening and more grandfatherly.”

BOB: “Big Dick”’s challenger, “The Kid,” is a huge favorite with the ladies!

And before he stepped in to the ring, he had an unbroken string of victories

against some real heavyweights!

(Shuffles papers, taps pen)

Goldie, you’re the man we turn to here on Political Wrestling when it comes to matters of the book. You can let us in, buddy – what are the oddsmakers saying in Vegas?

GOLDIE: Well, Bob, the conventional wisdom says that Edwards should just keep trying to scare Cheney. We’re all hoping to hear him be, like, “Well, my esteemed opponent has many years of serv–*BOO!!!*”

BOB (starts, nearly falls out of chair): OHMigod.

(Grasps chest) Oh, I see, the Angina Gambit!

GOLDIE (Rolls eyes, looks skeptical): Yeah.

BOB: What can you tell us about “Big Dick”’s weigh-in stats, Goldie? Did you get a chance to take a look in the locker room and eyeball the guy in his towel?

GOLDIE: He should lay off the fried foods.

BOB: Better him than me!

(Both sportscasters share a manly chuckle)

GOLDIE (clearly directed at BOB): *BOO!*

BOB: AUUGH! Will you stop it! What, are you trying to kill me?

(Grasps GOLDIE by the collar, hisses sotto voce): Lissen, ya yutz, if you do me in, you can’t collect, see?

BOB (using normal, hearty voice): Was he looking fit and ready for battle, or peak-ed and doughy? Was he smoking fat cigars?

(“Big Dick” steps into the ring, unexpectedly)

GOLDIE: He’s clutching his chest, Bob!

BOB (Standing up, chair clatters off camera): Oh my god!

GOLDIE: He was banging cocktail waitresses two at a time! Look at the size of that man! And Edwards comes out wearing only a towel and a smile!

BOB: What’s his wind like, these days? Can he go the distance? Edwards is looking pretty polished there, Goldie. He defintely has his moves down! LOOK AT THAT SMILE!!!

GOLDIE: He’s smiling like a man possessed!

…

GOLDIE: There are definitely Two Americas in this room tonight, Bob.

BOB: “Big Dick” doesn’t seem very impressed, Goldie. He seems sort of… snarly. Still, he’s taking his time. OH! Edwards has “Big Dick” in in a Halliburton lock! Look at those bulging subpoenas! Oh, what a move!

GOLDIE: Oh, who wouldn’t want some Johnnie Walker Black faced with paperwork like that!

BOB: OH! Big Dick used the National Security Reversal – And he’s got his hands firmly locked over Edward’s most formidable weapon, his gleaming teeth!

…

The part of BOB was played by Mike Whybark. The part of GOLDIE was played (unwittingly, to an extent) by Ken Goldstein.