To: Britney Alexander, Acquisitions, BTVP
From: Mike Whybark
Thank you for your recent missive concerning your forthcoming effort, “Kenny, Big & Tall.” While we understand your disappointment at the MOW status for the project (quite a step down from the two-part, twelve-hour HBO MS we were discussing in Vegas), the projected demography for the piece makes it a nice fit with UPN, and heartily wish you the success that all of us in the entertainment industry associate with the top-quality products associated with everyone’s favorite netlet.
Furthermore, we extend our congratulations and condolences on your recent marriage and annulment. What with the deal memos coming so thick and fast this New Year in Las Vegas, we can easily understand that you anticipated casting your ex-husband in the role of Mr. Goldstein, an idea which, we must note, was expressed to you in an informal casting guidance note prior to the temporary alteration in your relationship to Mr. Alexander.
What a shock and disappointment it must have been to you when it became apparent that the Mr. Alexander of your childhood acquaintance, while Tall and we can only presume, commensurate with his status as a gridiron expert, Big, is neither the former star of Seinfeld and The Producers nor a Tony Award winning Broadway performer. We extend our deepest, most heartfelt sympathies, which only intensified when we learned of the contractual obligation between Bigshot Television and Mr. Alexander regarding “Kenny, Big & Tall.”
In spite of our sympathies, however, we have grave concerns about the employment of the Ken Goldstein brand in conjunction with Mr. Alexander, especially in the context of the scripts we’ve seen for “Kenny, Big & Tall.” While, as noted, we have only the best wishes for your production, we must insist that any attempt to represent “Kenny, Big & Tall” as an endorsed endeavor, or to incorporate the name or likeness of Ken Goldstein or The Illuminated Donkey or The Ken Goldstein Project into the shooting script, marketing materials, story line, resultant publicity, ancillary promotional products, keychains, tee-shirts, coffee mugs, children’s plush sculpted backpacks, bobbleheads, chewing gum, potato chips or other fast-food ad snack packaging, museum exhibitions, commemorative magazine releases, DVD packaging or on-disc trailers, automotive limited editions, commemorative ceramic plates, wristwatches, production prospectus materials or any other materials unspecified in this informal letter will be met by immediate and forceful legal action. We will demonstrate our exclusive rights to the aforementioned brands and materials and our dependent interest in assuring that we maintain creative and approval control over any media appearances or derivational properties.
To that end, please relay an updated shooting script that effaces the infringing materials as soon as is convenient and please include a cover letter that enumerates any promotional communications or production materials embargoed by our request. It is not our intent to impede your production in any way, and trust that in order to meet your deadlines you will comply with all due promptness.
The Ken Goldstein Project
cc: KG, JD, ES, VP, MG, JA, GD