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This morning I awakened from an epic dream which consisted of a never-extant ST:TNG episode guest starring William Shatner, Harvey Keitel, and which was directed by and featuring the puppets and sensibilities of Sid and Marty Krofft, circa 1972. I regaled Vivian with the whole thing as best I could without collapsing into fits of helpless laughter and then immediately tweeted (and cross-posted to Facebook) the whole thing.
Instead of rewriting it, I’ll just plop the tweets in here, with some mild typos cleaned up. At the end, I explained what seems to be a probable episode denouement to my friend Art.
Awakened from dream: best Star Trek TNG episode EVARRRR. Guest stars: the Shat, Harvey Keitel. 2-part season-ender. FX: Sid & Marty Krofft.
The Enterprise passes through a phase-wave front. In close head shots, crew notes mounting problems. Ship orbits planet; supplies, repairs.
Crew beams down, including Kirk, Picard, LaForge, Worf, and Ryker. As beams coalesce, we see that they have been physically transformed.
The new appearance of the crew: giant, 5-foot Krofft puppet heads of the actor’s normal features, tiny arms and legs protruding.
In some distance shots the heads appear composited over the actor’s bodies via early 70’s live blue screen, fuzzy matte & all. Super cheesy.
They encounter the locals, who have never heard of this Federation you speak of. Ryker calls the ship, but – oh noes! Out of cell coverage.
LaForge waves a tricorder from his tiny, tiny arm. “Bad news, guys,” he reports. The Enterprise seems to no longer be in orbit.
The locals all share the big head Krofft puppet appearance. The puppet heads bounce humorously. Picard’s gravitas & Worf’s ethos are at risk.
The crew decides to split up. Kirk, Picard and Worf will seek the authorities; LaForge and Ryker will go to the hills seeking raw materials.
The command staff are brought before a local council. One of the senators is played by Harvey Keitel, in big-head puppet.
After discussion, the big head locals decide to send a phase-wave ship in search of the Enterprise or this so-called Federation.
Senator Keitel visits the party in their quarters and reveals that the local culture is based on enslavement of another indigenous race.
The Monsters, as they are called, are gloriously eccentric Krofft puppets, all featuring obvious and exaggerated asymmetricality.
Meanwhile, up in them thar hills, LaForge and Ryker have encountered the Monsters, who are super-awesome cats with advanced consciousness.
It will be no problem for these reviled beasts to send the Enterprise men home, but they need the help of the council of Senators.
There is undoubtedly an ill-advised scene full of heavy exposition here, detailing the crimes of the council against the monsters.
Back in town, the phase-wavernauts have returned with bad news: no trace of the Federation or this supposed ship that sails through space.
Could these strangers form the hills be simply an advance party for a MONSTER REBELLION? GUARDS! CLAP THEM IN IRONS!
Cue Kirk fighting music. Big heads bounce and roll off one another in epic, bouncy struggle, sumo wresters filled with helium.
Decisively, Senator Keitel comes to the aid of the Enterprise men and he and they head for the hills and Monster safety.
The monsters are able to send Senator Keitel through naturally occurring phase wave portal into phase wave state of Federation & NCC-1701D.
Then I woke up.
@arthurwyatt Keitel becomes the most powerful senator, promising monstrous reforms. Enterprise peeps get home with new phase wave tech …
@arthurwyatt … and meanwhile we’ve learned important lesson about oppression & the spirituality of aboriginal peoples. & giant puppet heads.
@arthurwyatt I think prolly there would have been some big Kirk scene in act III, too. Ideally Keitel & Kirk chewing scenery at one another.
I just crossposted that whole thing to Facebook as status updates. Imagine the ticker!
@arthurwyatt the thing I couldn’t really convey here was how funny the giant head puppet thing was. I kept having giggles while dreaming.
A side effect of having dreamt this is that I can actually see the Krofft puppet heads of the crew in my minds eye.